cookies&cream_

2010-12-08T12:28:00.002+08:00

hello friends!

the few that still do read this little forgotten corner of the WWW :) thank you for following me through the lows and the highs of my life. of the times when i've needed to believe there was someone out there, safe in his/her anonymity that was reading my words and empathising with me. God's really been leading this little sheep, though as far as sheep go, this has got to be one of the most stubborn and quietly rebellious sometimes. :P i thank God for all seasons of my life, for the beauty and for the pain, for the growth and for the falls. this blogspace somehow feels riddled with alot more angst than i actually care to remember. because God made life beautiful and Im not going to be drawn to angst. :)

so i'll be moving, to a brighter, whiter space, where I want God to take control, to be seen in my weaknesses and not to obscure Him with my minute strength. :)

take care loves, be blessed in Christ :)
-

when the new space is up, will update accordingly!

2010-10-24T09:29:00.003+08:00

it's been ages since i've last updated! somehow it feels like the urge to blog only manifests itself when i'm down and i need an outlet to just spew all my inner ramblings.

like thinly-veiled, multi-layered expressions that say what i feel, but in a really oblique manner. the problem with me is, i want you to know, without me having to say a word.

i wish you had called back instead of just messaging.
-

oh VELLS! on a side note, not a brighter note though (cause it's still so hazy out), I MISS MY BEAUTIFUL SKIES :( of crisp clear blue in the wee hours of the morning, like the air's just been scrubbed. and of deep crimson hues in the dusk as the sun stretches lazily into the horizon. OH INDONESIA! you who colour my palette grey! >:(

2010-09-20T16:16:00.003+08:00

joanne chan hurts. joanne chan feels deeply. why is it that i always want to wear my heart on my sleeve and bare my emotions. but i can never bring myself to show everyone that i hurt, that i'm not always chirpy. that i'm confused, that i'm so utterly human.

being in Christ, doesn't mean i can always look at things through rose-tinted shades, and never struggle with having to let God take control. it doesn't mean that i have it more together than anyone else. it's more so that i really dont have it otgether and that i need God..

let not words just be easy to say; help me put them into action.

2010-09-20T13:03:00.004+08:00

Dear Lord,

I need Your guidance. No more pretentiousness, no more putting up a facade, no more pleasing others over pleasing You, no more talk and no action. All things are in Your hands, and I will and can only do what I can.

By Grace Alone

btw NICE RIGHT THE CUFF!! i want!! hahah http://store.dayspring.com/bygralcubr.html teehee and http://store.dayspring.com/bygralne.html
---

the mired mix of confused stress and carefree (careless?) decadence

2010-07-30T13:00:00.003+08:00

i realise i've walls built around me, a fortress if you may. to upkeep the facade of complete together-ness, that i've the picture-perfect life. almost picture-perfect. like some idyllic story, where everyday is sunny, where i'll be able to see sunshine and rainbows no matter what the situation is, cause hey! i've got a pretty cushy life don't i?

i'm not saying i'm not blessed, i'm immensely so, thank God (: but i realise i dont give myself the permission to fail, to appear flawed to those around. even when there're quarrels or problems/crisis, almost no one knows, cause it just seems so imperfect to have problems. guess that why i'm so overly fixated on doing right, doing right, as defined in the eyes of those around me. to the extent that i dont make my own decisions, because I WANT TO MAKE THEM. i make them based on what others say/perceive.

growing up is way harder than i thought.

i want to just do something, make MY decision, go ahead with it, and experience life. to not be afraid to be REAL, to fall, to not be so scared of marring my facade of pseudo-perfection

2010-07-25T21:23:00.002+08:00

oh roars! i feel my brain mass dwindling as the days flit pass, shrinking upon itself into a desolate abject little piece of mangy flesh. i was that desperate for a bit of brain gym that i actually wanted to write a GP essay all over again. just for the small, short, pleasurable moments when i wrack my mind for JUST the right word to express, to encapsulate JUST exactly what i mean. the relief and pride i feel each time i get JUST the word is almost laughable sometimes. TEEHEE

and a tinny voice in my ear tells me there is hope in every heartbeat lalala

:)

2010-06-27T23:32:00.001+08:00

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

- as quoted from Adrian Tan's NTU convocation speech

2010-06-27T16:01:00.003+08:00

i'm bursting with words, like a dam on its last legs, splitting open at the seams. but once again reality bites and i've to rush off for

TUITION.

hahaha. but i do lubbs my kid deeps deep (:

anyway! what we learnt during cell today struck a chord within me and it really did resonate (: will share more when i'm back whee. back as loosely defined with huge lapses of time elasticity HAHA.

and this song is such an encouragement! my sissy showed it to me and i didnt want to listen to her song recommendation at first (cause most of the time our music tastes run utterly parallel to each other). but it's really worth a listen (: and the piano intro is wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :D thank you Lord (:

I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in

Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are
You are everything

2010-06-03T15:42:00.002+08:00

ohmy i feel 13 all over again. 7 years ago. wow. the emotions and tumult and questions that i had when i was 13 seem so familiar yet so utterly foreign at the same time haha. reading old blog entries do have a way of transporting you all the way back in time.

WHOOMP. 13 year-old jojoanneanne. hmm hidden under 7 years' layers of experiences and emotions and maturing and (fats) hahah

2010-05-31T14:05:00.002+08:00

it's been ages since i've felt any deep longing to precisely put into words my emotions and thoughts. after reading lois' blog, it's like a recess suddenly opened within me, a gaping chasm that echoes hollowly and rings back in plaintive tones. i miss how i used to hide behind poems and give them subtle shades of meaning; miss the times when i freely gave myself poetic license to bare my soul in words half-shrouded in musings.

many times, God teaches me so many lessons, but i'll learn them only for abit and then lapse into my ignorant self all over again. brings to mind how deeply moved i was by my rainbow theory during As, how i firmly, resolutely, resolved to grasp every single moment and enjoy it all, both the good and the bad. it's ironic and more than a tad sad how i keep wanting to live in the future of "better things yet to come". seems like i'm an AC girl at heart haha instead of good ol' Raffles.

how many times have the thoughts of "if i had (_______)", "if (______) happened", "if (_______) was over"... flitted through this mind. why is it so hard for me to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment for what God has blessed me with? all the times when i'm afraid to be honest with myself, i'll just brush it aside and focus on the trivialities of mundane living. but the times when i'm lucid and brave enough to confront myself, i know it's cause i haven't the faith to completely trust that God plans my tomorrows and that He's already been there. i feel like it's only in my hands and the decisions i make, outweigh His plans, and i'm just afraid to completely, thoroughly, trustingly, surrender everything into His Hands.

which is so.. LAME. for lack of a better word haha. He's proven so many many times, on countless occasions that He's more than enough for me, that He's my Provider, for ALLLLLLL things big and small. He's always provided, in terms of blessings; monetary, academic, joy, friends, laughter, family.. i'm a sod, seriously, thinking about all that haha. but it's hard to be mature and thankful all the time, i'm glad that even if i am a sod, i'm a maturing sod. :)

knowing Jesus is just THIS MUCH important. i'm not out to preach, but sometimes i'm just ashamed to see how scared i am to share of the goodness of Your love, of the Truth. people flinch when we use such absolute words, words that leave no room for grey areas and to borrow a colloqualism "LIKE THAT IS LIKE THAT, NO COMPROMISE AT ALL" but Jesus didn't mince His words, He didn't say "I may be the way", He wasn't wishy-washy (as most of us, ME ME ME especially, are apt to be) He said that He's the "only Way, the Truth and the Life". so there you go, there's only 2 options for who Jesus is. He's either telling the truth or He's lying. Either He's a raving lunatic, completely mad and lying. or He's really God's Son.

when it comes down to this, how absolute and uncompromising this is, i get all chilly and admittedly, abit scared at the gravity of it all. but there's always this tingly joy and hope that prods my heart and says God is real, and He loves me.

whoaa. what an outpouring! haha. be blessed my dears :)

2010-05-29T19:17:00.001+08:00

Lord, take control :)

2010-05-26T11:24:00.002+08:00

i know why these few mornings have been so amazingly awesome :)

cause it's just me, squished into a corner of the sofa, the window ajar and the morning breeze. with my Bible and unlimited propensity to just sit and think and let my thoughts drift out lazily :)

i really am not a night/evening person at all haha. all my thoughts are so disjointed!

my God is mighty to save :)

2010-05-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

fruits of the Spirit, remember remember remember

2010-05-06T09:55:00.003+08:00

to rank all the precious commodities in this world, i think time would be one of the most understated.

how many times have i rushed through my daily activities, rushed through meetings and outings and phonecalls and memories, just to get to the next meeting outing phonecall memory. how many times have i missed those dear to me telling me to slow down, to make some time for them? and when i do take the time out, how much of myself is really there? presence with only half your heart there doesn't amount to much does it?

the gravity of this only impressed itself upon me when i was doing QT this morning. that God always has time for us, when the world turns away and you're the only one in the darkness, eyes wide shut, He's always there. How much we treasure the time of those who hold dear, yet we forget that the One who never changes, who always has time for us, who is never too busy for us, is just there, right next to our hearts.

best friends aren't just those who can tell when you're happy when you dont say a thing, they're the ones, when you call them to wish them a safe trip, to pray for journey mercies, who look through your veil of words, who know enough to say "are you okay? you sound sad." take care markypoo (: miss you (:

and reading about shepherding and dumb sheeps and the stark parallels between God and me in them just made me tear. to know that when i fall, God catches me and He may break my heart but He never breaks me. <3

2010-05-03T13:43:00.001+08:00

rational or emotional?

2010-04-28T23:29:00.001+08:00

hahahaha shihee's super funny! "hi my name is study" GO(h) STUDY!! hahaha. okay cheap thrill. if your surname's goh, you've got a new name for yourself, voila!

2010-04-28T13:30:00.002+08:00

you have no idea how sad you make me feel sometimes

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
as i hide behind a wall of smiley texts

2010-04-27T08:42:00.002+08:00

J'ai voulu écrire un message énigmatique et le faire sneakily composer en français. Mais j'ai réalisé la prolifération des traducteurs en ligne. Queest-ce qu'au point, pourquoi est vous m'apporte lisant mon poteau sur le babelfish ? haha attrapé te!
-

don't wanna leave it all behind
but i get my hopes up
and i watch them fall everytime
another colour turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away

2010-04-23T14:00:00.003+08:00

sprinkly sparkles of silvery shiny stars

when i was young i wanted to be a princess with long flowing locks and yep, my own trail with sprinkly sparkles of silvery shiny stars TEEHEE :D

i wonder how walking on moonbeams must feel like

2010-04-22T18:26:00.002+08:00

ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRR CS1101C YOU ARE A BIG LUMP OF POOP!!

STUPID POINTERS ANYHOW ANYHOW POINT HERE POINT THERE FOR WHAT!!

point point point.

i need to go play squash! haha social squash as darren calls it since we prolly talk more than we run

POINT POINT POINT POINT!!!!!

2010-04-20T14:29:00.002+08:00

bananafana fee fi fo fum
goobbledygook zonk zonk zonk
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you dont have words ONOMATOPOEIA FTW

TAN LEI LEI WHERE ARE YOU I CANT WAIT FOR THIS TO ALL BE OVER AND WE CAN ESCAPE BACK TO SOME SEMBLANCE OF PSEUDO RJ LIFE MISS HOW YOU ALWAYSALWAYS UNDERSTAND ME )):

IN OTHER NEWS, (insert name of undecided location) with poxy markypoo and (insert name/s of unfinalised escapees) in june! HAH!

lock lock lock lock throwwwwwwww!

2010-04-19T15:46:00.003+08:00

i love love love love love this webpage so much!

http://homegrownhospitality.typepad.com/photos/rak_doodles/#tp

when i was feeling pretty angsty just now, reading those little snippets of wisdom and knowing that they're grounded in God's Word as well, really did lift my spirits. (: i wanted to ROARRRR but okay no roar, but to let God take control :)

2010-04-14T11:50:00.001+08:00

whenever i listen to some of yiruma's piano pieces, somehow it transports me to a time when i'll be sitting in a window seat and the only things outside my cabin window are the fluffiest clouds imaginable and everythings' in smooth transit, in flight, in stationary motion

2010-04-14T07:02:00.002+08:00

Just read today's Daily Bread and before reading it, God led my heart to a fresh new realisation. that i dont have to wait till i'm less busy, till i'm more mature, till circumstances around me are more 'perfect', till i've strong spiritual support to know Him better, to really purpose in my heart to walk in His ways and really know the God of this entire universe.

i think many times, it's just too easy for us to forget that our God is the Lord of ALL CREATION, of everything, yet He's still a personal God, He's our Father and loves us so much. i take that for granted alot ALOT. without actually realising the MAGNITUDE of the blessing and the COST Jesus paid for us to never be estranged from God.

change my heart O Lord
make it ever true
change my heart O Lord
may i be like You

whereever you are in your journey with God, remember that God doesn't play favourites, and He loves you THIS MUCH! (:

2010-04-07T18:15:00.002+08:00

when was the last time you challenged yourself to move out of your comfort zone?

hmmm. trials produce perseverance, perseverance produces character and character brings about hope (:

are you all you want to be? are you all God wants you to be? (:

2010-04-06T17:02:00.002+08:00

runny noseee itchy throattt hot eyess (i'm not implying that my eyes are well, hot, they just get hot when toopid fever comes haha) whineyyyy! i think the air in lt7a is BUGGED.

by Your stripes we are healed! goooo awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. tmr i must be able to say my flu flew away!

aye munna scheep

2010-04-01T23:46:00.002+08:00

IHB IHB IHB IHB IHB IHB IHB IHB IHB!!!

actly to be quizzically more precise and annoyingly cryptic like how s and i were saying, it's more of IHHILB instead of just plain ol' IHB. but I DONT CARE for now IHB IHB IHB IHB IHB ARGH

dntwnbjddbtsmslkthrlssrrsntblvinlv

and that was actually a coherent thought. ARGH!

2010-03-29T20:01:00.003+08:00

rawr. need time to recharge and be alone with God and just boing back to the me i'm familiar with. getting locked out of yr HOSTEL room is rawr. why do i have a penchant for getting locked in/locked out haha i think i should tie my transponder to my hair so i'll nv forget it

2010-03-25T20:38:00.002+08:00

Can You take me by the hand
Can You use me as I am
Break me into who You want me to be

When the time is finally right
Will You open up my eyes
Show me everything You want me to see

:)

when the stress starts setting in, the pseudo-panicky mode threatens to set in and i look at the mounting work and think WHERE HAVE ALL THE WORK IVE DONE THIS SEM GONE TO??? You quieten my heart, You hold me, You whisper into my heart that i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and i know You'll always be in control

i stray, i fall, i break, but Lord, You never let me go. help me

:)

2010-03-24T17:04:00.000+08:00

ANNE OH ANNE OH ANNE OH ANNE OH ANNE OH!!!!!!!

2010-03-19T23:47:00.002+08:00

i'll tell you just what you mean to me
i'll tell you these simple truths;

be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope;
you're gonna do great things,
i already know :)
God's got His hand on you,
so don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here

:)

2010-03-17T23:49:00.002+08:00

and so we all dream of
sunny skies and rainbows threading through clouds scarfing through the air
and of how the whole world fades and only two matter;
each to the other
of shared laughter and locked-in gazes
and your own happily ever after

we're all created in the image of God, who is Love Himself. no wonder this unceasing unrelenting search that all of humankind has for the very epitome of love.
-

LOVE CHONGZ VIVI NETTE!! <3 we all wanna escape from the new world of uni and go back to being childish innocent slap-happy pinafore-clad girls who'll have luoye dances and potatopillowfights and thought we were invincible just because our world only consisted of orchard, home, love and daydreams

2010-03-15T20:58:00.002+08:00

staying on campus comes with the double-edged sword of obligations and necessities. and i realise after today, once again, that while teasing and making fun of others have their own right in pure good-humoured, good-natured fun, there're boundaries as well. and it rankles within the soul when others rib you about being too trusting and too gullible. so it's wrong that i actually trust what you say? after which you laugh in my face and call me guileless;

i think i'm actually quite angry. >:(

2010-03-12T08:46:00.002+08:00

it's amazing, it's wonderful how God uses the lowest points in our lifes and can turn them around to glorify His name and really strengthen us in faith. i never really truly understood the nuance of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12, "for when i am weak, then i am strong" and that God's grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

strength when i'm weak, when i've fallen time and time again. fallen so short of God's standards, it is then when one is broken that you'll really understand what the grace of God is. it is only then when all strength is exhausted, that i'm willing to finally see that i'm inadequate, that only God is adequate. it is when i'm broken, that i'll truly yield myself to His Spirit. and i'm glad He's drawn me back, to show me that the Author and Perfector of my faith is still continuing a good work in me. (:

i havent written in my journal in a long time and when i read it again today, i realised that i've actually forgotten alot of the truths that i've learnt over all the tumultuous experiences that God is brought me to, and most faithfully brought me THROUGH.

a good reminder was to LIVE FOR GOD and not for people. that it shouldnt' concern my heart as much what others thought of me, but more importantly what God thinks of me. that it doesn't matter so much what the world thinks, cause they'll never truly know my heart. everyone has a standard to emulate, a higher threshold of goodness they believe in. but even if i conformed to what others define as good and obtain their approval, does it necessarily mean it is completely, entirely, most-assuredly good? only in the standards of God will there be full confidence placed and for too long, i've forgotten what the verse of that song means. Jesus, my heart must know i'm pleasing to You

Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. ... And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. 2 colossians 3:12-14, 17

:)

2010-03-10T20:21:00.002+08:00

these photos always make me laugh! hahahahaha especially when i toggle between the two HAHAHHA.

here's one dearly loved person whom i know will always love me, understand my crazy jokes, make me laugh, fight with me and still know that she'll never leave me nor i her <3

treasure those you have in your life (:

and i was just very lazily pondering about phases of life and i realised, too many times, we're either missing the past too much or too impatiently waiting for the future. so it's not so much the here and now, but the then and after. which brought me back to my rainbow theory again! haha. and i've decided, good times or bad, heartache or heartflight, i'll savour each moment, every second of being alive, of being able to feel. (:

2010-03-08T21:07:00.003+08:00

isn't this such a cute book! :D i saw it on big daddy weaves' fb status and awww. haha so i went to find out more about it.

All children want reassurance that their parents' love runs wide and deep. In Guess How Much I Love You, a young rabbit named Little Nutbrown Hare thinks he's found a way to measure the boundaries of love. In a heartwarming twist on the "I-can-do-anything-you-can-do-better" theme, Little Nutbrown Hare goes through a series of declarations regarding the breadth of his love for Big Nutbrown Hare. But even when his feelings stretch as long as his arms, or as high as his hops, Little Nutbrown Hare is fondly one-upped by the elder rabbit's more expansive love.

aww. indeed, love is such a force that cannot be encapsulated with words nor can it truly be understood until experienced.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

:)

2010-03-05T19:45:00.001+08:00

numb. and i think i'm going to come back crying.

2010-03-03T17:21:00.002+08:00

just typed out a WHOLEEE bunch of stuff about bygone issues that only chose to surface now. but dear Lord, i commit them all into your hands, to wipe away all bitterness, all indignance and to have Your love and strength to really forgive and forget. (:

it's hard. but now i'm trying to really put the fruits of the Spirit into action, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness and self-control. (: and these few days, i'm focusing on love. to love others as God has first loved us. when we were so unlovable, God loved us. what mighty Love that is, and i pray I'll learn to walk in His footsteps (:

2010-02-26T00:58:00.001+08:00

give my _____ back to me

2010-02-25T00:36:00.003+08:00

when you suddenly feel your heart plummet into your shoes
like you're on a lift to nowhere
-
to cryptically quote avril-
what's wrong with my tongue
these words keep slipping away

-

2010-02-23T22:56:00.001+08:00

stupid tearducts i command you to STOP

STOP being a baby joannechanguaycheng

2010-02-19T23:36:00.002+08:00

i'm so thankful for how God has walked me through the past 20 years, for all the highs and lows, for blessing me so wonderfully, for sending so much love my way and touching my life with sunshine every waking moment. (:

i'm not going to be exhibionistic and talk about every single thing that has happened haha. come to think of it, this is quite the anti-thesis of a blog. somehow announcing all the details of my calendar out on a webspace just unsettles me haha. blame it on the techno-dino that just refuses to blow away along with the last vestiges of my teens.

but i'm supremely thankful for everything, so so so so so so happy and loved and blessed (:

i know! i shall allow that one bit of vain exhibitionism, i'll post photos of bday lunchie! with daddy and mumu and meimei at say cheeze! :D soon. haha lazy to upload HAHA old alr la HAHA

i think i pendulum between peaks and troughs of highs and lows. and i still cant decide if that's a good or bad thing. the smallest things, like thinking of ham sandwich for breakfast can make me feel like skipping around the house in absolute glee, yet the most trivial of matters like a slight nuance of words can also send dark clouds thundering at my temples. dear Lord, i put my emotions and my heart into Your hands (:

2010-02-17T13:56:00.002+08:00

i hate being so busy i hate being so busy i hate being so busy.

maybe im just pms-ing hah

2010-02-16T23:35:00.002+08:00

i think.. i think... i may just abhor the obligations of fb haha. who the pongs has the time to stay on fb and reply msges so fast?!

and pongss i'm mildly miffed. pfft. roar. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i couldn't make it. but i still reserve my right to say no. because sometimes saying no, just means i've priorities elsewhere.

good thing not many ppl know about this little webspace.

2010-02-16T21:55:00.002+08:00

I'M TWENTEEN :O i'm aghast. haha. but i'm even more aghast at rhaps. or petrified would be a better word.

this was meant to be a slaphappy thanksgiving post on all the lurbex i'm so thankful for! and how i'm so thankful for every single one who's made this year's triple happiness multiply many folds over (: but that'll have to wait since..

RHAPSSSSSSSSSSS

ahhh!! i'm flipping out about rhaps. please dear God, please please take control and help us find favour with osa and get it all properly perfectly done!

2010-02-11T07:27:00.002+08:00

i hate waking up in the mornings from a horrible nightmare. it's not so much the nightmare itself, cause i barely remember it at all. sometimes i dont think i dream in details, or even in visuals, i think i dream in emotions. a whirling kaleidoscope of flitting emotions. and whenever this happens, it always makes me feel so drained. and so disoriented, like i'm still toeing the line between the ephemeral and the tangible.

it's like somehow all the dna that makes me me, scrambles itself up and i'm coming to terms with a whole new person. ohmy this borders on schizo doesnt it hah.

but thank God for soothing mornings, and cleansing early morning smells. i just sat at my window and really watched the clouds roll by, let the sounds of the morning bustle wash around me but not touch me. sitting cocooned in my own reverie.

and i think my dream had shreds of ./a.out from CS. no wonder i felt so strange. OH CS YOU PIG TO TRESPASS INTO MY SLUMBER.

and ooh. the skies suddenly burst into morning colours. was like a switch suddenly being thrown by God (: and i commit this day unto Him (:

2010-02-08T23:47:00.000+08:00

to grow in purity and uprightness (:

2010-02-01T10:15:00.001+08:00

private entries tucked into an obscure corner of the entire blogsmos ftw

2010-01-31T23:49:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wonder what God has planned out. what He has in store. cause i cant seem to see beyond my two feet. to see beyond what i feel.

Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light for my path. and even though sometimes Your ways, i cannot understand, i'll never walk away because my future's in Your hands.

credits to planetshakers. kudos kredos kredits.

imy?

nights world

2010-01-31T21:10:00.002+08:00

i'm so tired. sometimes i feel as though my time is being divided out into infinitesimally small portions and parceled out to various commitments, people and obligations.

Let T be time, where dT is an infinitesimally small segment that doesn't seem to mean much on its own. but oh go ahead and take its summation and this girl sometimes feels like she can never really match up. there's always more she can do, more she can contribute, more she SHOULD contribute.

i'm beginning to see why it's prudent and wise when the Bible teaches that God's expectations should be the only focus of our lives. cause it makes things all the more clearer, with one ultimate focal point as the rest will fall into place on their own. trying to meet the expectations of everyone will really only befuddle and addle our minds even more so.

Lord i give You my heart
i give You my soul
i live for You alone

every breath that i take
every moment i'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

sometimes. i just want the license to be pensive and quiet.

2010-01-29T13:26:00.000+08:00

the geek in me goes awww

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teehee :D

2010-01-20T14:45:00.002+08:00

roarrrrr. i hate cramps. :(( :'( STUPID OSCILLATIONS AND BIG T hahhaha i miss lei siti grace jukie :(

i want green skirts and white blouses and watercooler escapades and walking through the canteen on the way to pe and chionging to library to kope MY TABLE ahahah and writing on each others' lecture notes and pulling skirts and coming up with names for teachers and windy benches and silly classboys doing stupid things like fishing for bangl*s and makign holes in walls and hiding things in the ceiling and walking down the long path to j8 andandand

2010-01-14T22:36:00.001+08:00

my sister can be quite cute hahaha she called me jojojiejie awww *heart melt* teehee

2010-01-14T08:50:00.002+08:00

cause everyone needs a friend to hold, when it's cold outside and there's no place to go

corrinne may roxxorrrssssss! love how her lyrics meld so many reminders of God's Word into it as well :)

please God, take control, of every single detail in my life. cause You alone are God and im not. hold my hand and guide me for You're my Good Shepherd (:

2010-01-11T21:31:00.002+08:00

boys like girls sing of paper bags and plastic hearts. but here's talking about paper cuts and paper tears.

unwieldy scissors in arts and crafts
snip a gnashing hole in paper parts
slicing through deep red,
splicing through paper-thin masks.
pulp ripping through the fibres
holes
tears in the paper
paper tears

2010-01-06T18:54:00.002+08:00

came across a very exceedingly distant junior's blog (in all sparseness of the definition of junior) and was extremely blessed by it. by his maturity and spiritual insights and also the rawness of it, the honesty of how hard and trying life is. and the reality of how it's more than okay to need help, that we'll always need help from above, from the One who holds us through everything.

the joy of the Lord's my strength, and i'm going to be a sunbeam for Him!(: throw away what the world expects, what all the different conflicting noise say, and listen to His still small voice. i want to be a vessel for God, for Him to use me to touch those around me, to show His love through me.

i think sometimes i'm envious of people who, by the grace of God, have found what 1 corinthians 13 talk about. but everything's in His time, for He makes all things good (:

need to sit down with my head and heart right before God and process what 2010's going to mean for me. i cant plan the future, but i can very well commit it all into His hands and live everyday to the utmost, to the fullest for Jesus (((: for He says that " I've come that they may have life, and have it abundantly"

HOOORAY! (:

2010-01-02T13:13:00.003+08:00

Show me Your ways, O Lord,
teach me Your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for You are God my Saviour,
and my hope is in You all day long.
- psalm 25:4-5

and one of my all time favourite verses!

Trust in the Lord with all Your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
- proverbs 3:5-6

to the pongs with confusion and meandering paths, and trusting in God ftw!

last week of the holsssssssssssssss pongs pongs pongs quickly playyyy and enjoy the last remaining months of being a teen! hahaha im going to treasure being a wilful kid for just that much longer. well, after i settle cors and admin duties haha roars then yay, play, make my day!!!11one hahaha :D

2009-12-29T14:35:00.003+08:00

God indeed is Love, the epitome of it and He loves us to such an incomparable measure! (:

haha and look! there's this fb page for Christian pickup lines hahahahah super funny!!

15. "i believe one of my ribs belongs to you." HAHAHAHAHAHHAH

24. "mark driscoll takes up 35% of my ipod memory."

12. "the word says 'Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry'; how about dinner?"

6. "you are perfect, except with all the sin."

29. "bible-gateway happens to be my homepage."

38. "now i know why Solomon had 700 wives... Because he never met you."

47. "how many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?" HAHAHHAAH THIS ONE IS SUPER WITTY! hahahhahahahahahahahha

52. "unfortunately i cant perform miracles and ive only got enough bread and fish for 2 people."

60. "if i had to choose between a romantic date with you or a night with the fellas... i would sit at home and read my bible." hahahah super cheeky la!

62. "welcome to the christian family... the only family where brothers and sisters can marry each other" HAHAHAHHA!

69. "if we were around with noah... then you, me... pair." HAHAHAHAHHA

omg okay i shall stop posting just go read hahahh super funny! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7174245379 teehee :D

HELLO GUYS DONT SAY I NV HELP YOU ALL HOR HOR HOR! :P

2009-12-27T23:16:00.003+08:00

it's undeniably tinged with smatterings of chatterings. but what's refined through fire only becomes stronger as the dross is burnt away. and i will still hold on to You.

if don moen was my age and in singapore, it's HELLO PLS SHOO EVERYBODY HE IS MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE. haha

hmm holding out for a hero

2009-12-25T22:07:00.002+08:00

mommy says i think too much. rugbyball says i think too much. okay. I THINK TOO MUCH!!! *switches off* haha time to start living again and stop worrying WOOOOHOOOOOOOO (Y)(Y)(Y) (R)(R)(R)(R)(R) <> <> <> OOO OOO OOO

and Merry Christmas loves! (: God plans everything so imma be a heypie girlie and NO MOAR WORRIES lalalalalalalalalalala boing

2009-12-23T18:20:00.002+08:00

was walking from the mrt to the interchange after meeting awesome 5ofus, loved having jukie back and hearing all the girlish laughters and reminiscing about volcanic eruptions with misplaced limbs haha.

and the faint strains of music playing drifted past my ears. and i dont know how it gets better than this. You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless. And i dont know why but with you i'd dance, in a storm in my best dress, fearless.

and suddenly it felt as though i was starring in my own music video, like everyone else around me just blurs and in the hustle and bustle of all the activities, i'm just gliding through in fluid motion as the music plays on in the background. haha haven't you ever felt like that?

then i just thought of brooke fraser's love is waiting again haha. feels like there's a theme song to every year of growing up. this gives me license to chuckle at the bygone days of j1 where grace proudly declared over you by daughtry as my anthem HAHA.

what would have been really scary would be if i was the sole director of my music video where i have nought a clue as to how life is like. but here's the most reassuring part, that God's my Director, He's my Producer, the soundman, the gaffer, every single role rolled into one. And guess what He writes the best stories, if the actors would just listen to his directions :) cause He is the scriptwriter after all. :) sometimes the actors/actresses get befuddled in all the cacophony of sounds and we lose sight, or perfunctorily tune out His voice, but He never gives up on us.(:

2009-12-22T17:36:00.002+08:00

i've got the fever, i'm hot and i can't be stopped

this time no one can come and suan me and say that i'm lying during the cheer HAHAHA. my eyeballs feel like they're burning up omg haha

2009-12-15T21:23:00.003+08:00

i think i'm tired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRlz64jPrrw

was pseudo-dancing PSEUDO haha to this on the mrt when it came on shuffle. and i miss the familiar days of being spoonfed. and of green skirts and white untucked blouses. of falling off canteen chairs from laughing too hard. michael jackson drinks. "lai boyyyy order". red apple da bei sao ping jia nata bu yao tang! (haha juks). secret toilets. naughty classes chem lec group. morning sv sessions. amphi theatre - both the awesome and the painful. a millionmillion more.

remember the past. cherish the present. and eagerly anticipate the future i guess.

but now, i dont know why. i just dont feel up to be energised. to be the kooky crazy woohoo one, to be the sensible, responsible, dependable one. to be any form of pillar of support.

today's today. and i'll let myself be. but tomorrow will be better and God's still in control. :)

2009-12-12T22:50:00.002+08:00

HI LEI I LOVE YOU! :D i know you'll see this haha so yes I LUBBS CHEW DIPZ DIPX (like pull yr skirt, shake yr hand in toilet, hit yr *oo**** deep) HAHA <3 <3 <3

i'm a carnivorous girl. i just told my sis i want to bite off a hunk of meat and ROAR just chew my way through a whole chunk of duck. i'm hungry :(

i'm a stickler for anything that has my name pre-printed on it. either that or i'm just too lazy to write my name.

I'M HUNGRY!!! I NEED TO FIND A HUNK OF MEAT TO BITE OFF OHM-NOM-NOM BUT ALL MY MOMMY GIVES ME IS A PLATE OF FRUITS! I'M A GROWING GIRL I HAVE NEEDS I NEED MY MEAT!!!!!!!

okay certifiable insane.

is the cat opposite the road.

HAHA okay roar guava honeydew and persimmon TURN INTO DUCK CHICKEN AND BEEF NOW!

2009-12-08T22:56:00.001+08:00

:'(

2009-12-08T20:30:00.002+08:00

because words cant adequately capture the tumult of emotions and thoughts all mired deep in me, but they're still one of the few ways, the few channels that sometimes unties this knot inside

things that made me happy, happier but for the blight that keeps settling at the back of my mind, wedging itself in like a wholly unwelcomed intruder;

mommy: God is ranked #1, then my daughter #2 *snuggles with said daughter haha*
said daughter: what about papa? #3 ah?
mommy: ya #3 la
said daughter: hey papa! mommy says God is #1 then im #2 and you're #3 HAHAHAH YAY!
papa: eh sure anot? not #4 meh
mommy: *whispers* he's just glad he's not at the bottom

while watching singapore idol
mommy: eh i got smth to show you! one of the contestants has the name of the cat we read in the book last time! TAH-BEE-HA!
*hahaha long-standing joke on how my mom pronounced tabitha

mei: eh you know last time the sea thing you grow in the tank? the moose product? what was it called?
fatjojo: errr wait wait i know i know lemme think
mommy: sea cucumber ah?
mei and fatjojo: *HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
*it was sea monkeys hahaha

mei: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA *upon seeing the fatboy in UP in the newspaper again* *shows mommy* so cute right!
mommy: but he's not real!
fatjojo: he's so fat he doesnt even have a neck la!
mei: HAHAHHAHAH

-
i wonder how many people feel the need to put up a facade sometimes. i guess when asked in a room full of people and all eyes truly closed, every single hand would be up, a secret white flag of surrender that says sometimes i hide how i feel, sometimes im crying so hard inside but the most brilliant smile dances upon my lips

i think the hardest thing and one of the most terrible feeling in the world is to know that you've hurt someone. when you have in your capacity the power to not hurt the person. when the decision is yours and solely yours to make. i never ever ever EVER want to have anyone hurt due to my actions. well in all fairness, this vehement refusal is definitely more marked for those i hold dear to me.

i wonder if a strong sense of avoidance, of the prevention of hurt could actually evolve into a sort of bind

it's all about You, Jesus
it's not about me,
as if You should do things my way
You alone are God
and i surrender
to Your ways

there's a dam of questions, of wordless emotions, of flitting thoughts that dont really settle that's just waiting to burst forth. but the lack of words stem its flow. I want God's will for my life, i want His best, i want Him, i want to want His will. but i won't deny that there have been times when the road gets trying. there have been times when i've just felt so blahh and why do i have to live life right everyone around me has had their chance to make their mistakes to just be not so good. but that doesn't mean He is any less real. God doesn't promise an easy life, utopian and utterly stress-free but He promises that He'll always be there, that no matter what, He holds our hands and is there every single, minute, step of the way.

i never liked asking people for favours haha cause i'll feel like i've imposed on them alot. but i ask this of those of you who are reading, i ask for your prayers; for the love and the support from brothers and sisters in Christ. (: to grow more like Jesus and live my life as a true testimony for Him. be blessed, loves (:

<3

2009-12-05T16:04:00.003+08:00

markypoo just sent this to me and whoa. God is really amazing with His perfect timing; just as the whole world runs helter-skleter with heady inroads into bgr and stuff and this little noob here is just beginning to mature, He sends me His guidance in the form of timely words and friends (: really truly thank God (: it's a pretty long read, but really inspiring (:

8 Characteristics of Mr. or Ms. Right - Julie Ferwerda

Do you ever wonder if the person you're dating is God's best choice of a mate for you but the answer isn't clear? Determining the person God wants you to spend the rest of your life with is a critical decision, one that requires putting aside personal agendas and desires, in order to consider the most important thing: What is God trying to tell me about this relationship?

Below are some characteristics that I believe are consistent with the kind of
person God would provide for you to spend your life with, assuming you are His
best for someone else. It works both ways. God will not give you His best if you
are not already His best for someone else. So make sure to measure yourself against these criteria as well.

PASSIONATE

Ask: Does this person seek out God willingly and eagerly on his or her own? When it comes to growing spiritually, does he/she read the Bible, pray, and go to church even without me? Does this person have a passion for God?

Remember: God's best will have a growing relationship with Him that is genuine, fresh, and intimate in a way that is noticeably working out in their life consistently. In short, he/she won't be able to leave God alone with or
without you.

PRAYER

Ask: Does this person pray regularly? Does he/she easily pray with me or infront of others? Does he/she talk about personal prayer concerns and answered prayers?

Remember: A marriage without prayer is like a light bulb with no electricity. God's best will be someone who is conversing with Him on a regular basis to obtain direction in life, intimacy with God, and to invest in the lives of others.

PURE

Ask: Is this person determined to wait until marriage to have sex? Do his/her actions match his/her words when he/she tells me he/she wants to be pure and honor God before marriage? Does this person work hard to avoid a physical relationship, avoiding the limits and demonstrating a commitment to honoring my purity above his/her own selfish interests?

Remember: I believe a great 'barometer' of a person's walk with God is whether he/she tries to entice you into sexual sin or not. If he/she truly loves God and wants to be obediently set apart for Him, there won't be any excuses, playing with fire, or compromises. This person will honor God above his/her own selfish desires, and because of that he/she will honor and love you enough to protect your body until marriage as well.

TEACHABLE

Ask: Does this person ask for help? Does he/she admit when he/she is wrong and say "I'm sorry"? Does he/she seek out godly counsel? Does he/she respect God-given authority in his/her life? Is he/she repentant and obedient in matters with God?

Remember: If a guy/gal is teachable with you and others, he/she will likely be
teachable with God. There is no greater security in marriage (especially for
women in the matter of submitting to their husbands) than trusting a mate who is
teachable before God and seeking His will above his/her own. A man or woman who is living to please God is someone you can trust with important decisions. Also, someone who willingly gives permission to others to speak truth into his/her life is a very wise and teachable person.

HONEST

Ask: Does this person tell you the truth even when it's hard? Does he/she communicate openly about his/her feelings, struggles, past, and failures? Does
this person take responsibility for his/her actions (own up) when he/she does something wrong or hurtful? Does he/she ever twist the truth or minimize to get out of trouble or make himself/herself look better?

Remember: Counting on your partner's word in marriage is vital. In a dating
relationship, there should be all the signs of honesty and openness. The person
you are dating should be willing to open up and talk about the hard areas of his/her life, he/she shouldn't try to hide or twist truth, and he/she should take responsibility when he/she does something wrong. He/she shouldn't even be afraid to admit when he/she messes up.

WHOLE

Ask: Does this person place his/her hopes, expectations, and emotional needs primarily in God? During difficult times does he/she try to fill up holes with the emotional support of other people (especially me)? Does he/she seem generally at peace or does he/she struggle with restlessness, addictions, or bad habits (alcohol, food issues or eating disorders, porn, drugs including prescriptions, over-spending, T.V., computer, sports, etc.)?

Remember: The person you marry cannot depend on you to make them happy, or to be there for them all the time. Watch what he/she does with pain or boredom. Does he/she avoid it, stuff it, or deal with it? Is he/she afraid to be quiet and still? You should be able to see him/her go to God with his/her emotional needs and hurts. Placing too much hope in each other or turning to anything but God with pain and boredom will eventually doom a marriage because only God can fill those "black holes." Only God can give true comfort, hope, and security.

SURRENDERED

Ask: Is this person stubbornly pursuing his/her plans and goals, or does he/she
frequently offer up his/her life to God and His plans?

Remember: If the person you marry is living for himself or herself, you are not going to have the marriage God intended for you. Someone who is surrendered to God will open up doors for a great marriage adventure in God's plan!

FORGIVING

Ask: Does this person forgive and get over things easily? Does he/she treat people kindly who have hurt him/her in the past? Is there any area of bitterness or unforgiveness from his/her past that he/she has not dealt with that is frequently coming to the surface?

Remember: A person who can't forgive likely hasn't connected with God's forgiveness toward him/her. This person will bring bitterness into your marriage which will affect you, too. People who are forgiving recognize that God is ultimately in control, which frees them up to let go of offenses and be at peace. This will work in your favor when you have marital conflict!

If, after reading over this list, you find that these traits are lacking in your own life, I encourage you to begin seeking to build these into your life. Getting into the Word and prayer daily, reading Christian help books, getting counseling if necessary, joining a Christian support group, and finding someone to encourage you or hold you accountable are all ways to get started on the path to change.

If you're in a serious relationship where you and your significant other are both more often than not characterized by the above traits, and you still can't determine God's will for the future, try these steps.

* Ask for input and prayer from trusted godly advisors. These could be your pastor, parents, close friends, accountability partners, cell leaders, or a pre-marriage counselor.
* Pray and/or fast for answers. Setting an agreed upon time away from each other for prayer and/or fasting could be very helpful in giving you wisdom and discernment.
* Pay attention to your spirit. If you can't say you have abiding peace about the relationship, pay attention. Peace (or lack thereof) can be one important way God is trying to tell you something.
* Wait. Perhaps God is not ready to reveal His plan for your relationship yet

2009-12-02T20:49:00.002+08:00

someone told me this quite awhile back, but the truth of it didnt really weigh in as heavily until i was just randomly musing on things today.

Love is giving someone the power to hurt you but trusting him/her not to.
John Albert Halili

it's true isn't it? that's why above so many other things that we may prize, love's the one intangible that so many people, lyrics, books, movies... wax lyrical over, pine for, dream about, chase after, feel so much pain for. i guess that's why sometimes i'm so perplexed as to why it's treated so flippantly and oft bungled about.

there're always 2 flipsides to the same coin and i guess the same applies for this too. people talk about the many-splendored thing that love as a concept is yet i guess in the very same vein there's hesitation and more than a good bout of fear too. maybe fear's the wrong word, wariness and measured cautiousness would be more apt. sometimes i'ld look around me and wonder if i'm still a wee child, as yet untouched and unfounded to this weighty gift that seems to mature all who are bestowed with it.

maybe that's why brooke fraser's song, love is waiting resonates within me. when it's time to walk that way, we wanna walk it well. and well in God's line of plan as well, walking with Him holding both our hands and leading us in His ways.

1 Corinthians 13:13 sings the same tune as well, And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love cause God first showed the true, ultimate epitome of love by sending our Redemption, to give us all a Hope, a Purpose and eternal fellowship with a God that so loves us (:

haha i'm maturing am i not? :P

2009-11-27T14:30:00.000+08:00

aiyah whatevs. WHATEVS WHATEVS WHATEVS. like siti would say, i blame it on my big t! stupid oscillations.

2009-11-23T15:49:00.002+08:00

oh whisk me away
to lands far and beyond
when i perch on treetops, privy to the wind's whisperings
where i lie on pastures and count clouds dotting the horizon

sometimes it's funny how my future post-uni seems to have already been carved out yet my uni life is ever so fluid, malleable and formless for me and God to shape as He pleases. it's such a thrill sometimes that i scarcely can fathom the fields of opportunities that i want to take hold of. i want to explore new cities, encounter new cultures, be constantly challenged and inspired by the worlds of knowledge all around me, i want to hold on to dears who have walked me through life, i want to soar, beyond what my tiny consciousness can comprehend.

life is delicious and i thank God for His daily mercies (:

2009-11-21T17:30:00.003+08:00

i wonder if it's possible for a major integral mindset that has accompanied me for the past 19 years of my life to be an absolute farce, an absolute lie afterall. havent realised till it hit me today as i was randomly musing on things, that i take for granted that just as long i put in the effort, success or its equivalent will be bound to follow.

when you've been told repeatedly since young that you can achieve anything and everyth you put yr mind to, and when it has always seemed to be the case, i guess it gets bewildering when hey! you suddenly realise that maybe effort's not a direct 1 on 1 function mapping straight to perfection.

ahhh maybe all along since pri sch sec sch jc, i've been too used to idk doing well enough that the realisation that sometimes, maybe, no matter how hard i may try or think i've done my best, there's an ultimate asymptote that i cant ever cross. was just talking to m the other day that maybe the whole shizz on ra-ra and hwachie is that they school into us the mindset that we can do ANYTH and EVERYTH and the world's ours for the taking and we believe and MAYBE that's not really the case?

oh i do wish i was smarter sometimes! *echoes jukie* haha

2009-11-19T18:05:00.002+08:00

ROARRRRRRRRRR. OH TRUFFLES AND PIFFLES AND GOOBLEGDYGOOK AND PAUSE PLAY REWIND RESTART THROW ALL MANNER OF EMOTION AWAY SHIFT PERIOD SEMICOLON NAIGHN!!!

2009-11-17T13:16:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder if i live vicariously through stalking my friends HAHA. looking at all their amazing experiences and adventures trundling through uni life in their assorted campuses overseas really makes me yearn for the same set of experience. the thrill of an entirely new culture, facing each day with wondrous rapture as to what new discoveries you can make, it's like pseudo-perma-holiday!

life's pretty much like those stories where you can choose your ending by switching to different story plots at the end of every chapter. but unlike those times, we cant rewind and choose another plot just to "see how things turn out". there's a reason why im in singapore, in nus and in engin and biz. and it's going to be a blast of a ride AND IM GOING TO MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT :)

2009-11-13T07:00:00.002+08:00

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commands." (Deuteronomy 7:9)

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," - 1 Peter 3:15

i want to love You higher than any other being, above any other thing in my life. And times i falter, i stumble, i lose my sense of direction, but You never let me go. It's amazing how i blunder along sometimes, but i am still your sheep and You are my Good Shepherd and i'm thankful for that (:

You gave Your life in Your endless love
You set me free and show the way
Now I am found

So close I believe You're holding me now in your hands I belong,
You'll never let me go

All along, You were beside me, even when I couldn't tell,
Through the years, You've shown me more of You

2009-10-30T19:08:00.002+08:00

red sky in the evening
rolls of thunder gently rumbling across the expanse
a soulful sense of silent solitude permeates the air
as i sit and watch nature's concerto begin

the Conductor waves the baton and off the symphony starts!
a tentative prelude with rumbles of gumbles
outflashing of lights as the magic streaks across the velveteen sky
crescendo! and the pace picks up
forte! and the sounds reveberate all around
light pattering gives way to a magnificent climax

clashing, swirling, flashing, rumbling!

thunderous applause ensues from an unseen audience
flashbulbs pop where no cameras are

Thank God for His surprises
even for a rapt audience of one

(:
-

ohmy that felt so therepeutic! haha i knew i had words trying to burst out of me but were kept repressed cause of the NUMBERS and EQUATIONS that i'm currently surrounded with haha. but i'm glad i'm where i am, for everything, and that God has His plans and i'm always always always held firmly in His hands (:

2009-10-29T07:58:00.002+08:00

praise the God of earth and sky,
how beautiful is Your unfailing Love,
unfailing Love (:

everything, You hold in Your hands (:

i love mornings, love the quietness and stillness. the solitude that one can spend, cocooned in my own thoughts, gently enveloped by the love of God. (:

i realise, when i try to run my own life, try to make things work through my own strength, i inevitably make things messier. But when it's really submitted into God's sovereign hands, He works all things out for the good of those who love Him. (:

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." - 1 John 4:18

how true. (:

2009-10-21T13:21:00.002+08:00

teetering on the brink of the unknown
visions dance before my eyes

cascades of water rushing below my feet;
a sheer drop all the way to nothingness
scattered rocks and outcroppings to impale on;
a vortex of quicksand whirling;

when's the time to take that leap of faith?

why is everyone else so sure of what to do? how do they know how to follow their hearts?

WHAT CANT I JUST LET GO FOR ONCE AND THROW ALL CAUTION TO THE WIND

it's the heart tht's afraid of falling that never learns to fly. i dont want i dont want i dont want my fear my indecisiveness my preoccupation with wanting to know everything that lies ahead my cautiousness to rob me of happiness.

BUT HOW WILL I EVER KNOW WHEN ITS RIGHT

on the tune of avril;
why do i have to go and make things so complicated

2009-10-17T22:38:00.003+08:00

i really really really really dont wanna grow up. the intensity of everything scares me. the resoluteness of decisions, the concretisation of events.. and i rarely use ellipses so when i do....

i'm afraid of losing myself, afraid that the core of whoever i am/was/think i am, was merely a mirage. a figment of my idealised imagination. that all that's before me is as red miasma.

what scares me the most in the world right now? making decisions.

confusing confused confuzzled

2009-10-17T10:26:00.002+08:00

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

oh to be a truly fruit-bearing tree!

2009-10-08T09:58:00.004+08:00

sometimes i wish i could keep my heart under lock and key and throw the key away

fling it into the deepest ravines
bury it into the depths of the ocean bed
whirled around in the mightiest of sandstorms

so i can be sure that when the key fits like a glove to the innermost compartments of my heart, it's the right key, for the right time, wielded by the right person.

i miss writing poems,
reams and reams of words conjoined in their infancy to pose as a smokescreen to my thoughts.

life's so much more complex and the world so much bigger than i ever thought it was. and i'm just beginning to realise how sheltered and blessed a life i've been living. ensconsed in my own happy bubble, viewing the world through eternally rose-tinted shades. i really thank God for how He's always held me in His hands, guided by His perfect plans.

uni's been a major growing experience. and like b said, there'll definitely be growing pains. but whatever i've been through, when i look back on them now with eyes renewed and heart strengthed, they don't seem as earthshakingly disastrous as when i was caught in the moment. funny how retrospection puts everything in a new spin and your past, present and future gallivant off into the sunset, striding along to pompous fanfare.

i think i still live in my own world where i'm the only one privy to the sights, sounds, feelings and thoughts of my own heartbeat. where sunshine seems to grace every single moment of my life (: and i really truly thank God for that (:

2009-07-20T23:23:00.000+08:00

says:
oh did you know
says:
there was this china dude
says:
who went to a cosplay anime fair at suntec as yoggibear
says:
yogi bear
says:
and got kicked out

says:
cause yogi bear isn't an anime

HAHAHAHAHAH LAUGH YR HEARTS OUT

2009-07-02T22:05:00.002+08:00

whoa so much has been going on that i don't think it's possible to update it here anymore. there's so much information on the surface, trivial bits of fluff that people sift through and base judgements on, to hypothesize about what's going on in your life. but i'm happy, i'm learning, i'm growing, i'm falling, i'm slipping, i'm getting up, i'm me

i thank God for His daily mercies and provisions and for all the favour showered (:

cheers to a whole new chapter (: let your head determine your place amongst the stars, but let your heart guide you there <3

2009-06-24T16:04:00.002+08:00

treading softly through the wild tangles strewn at your feet,
you sidestep gingerly,
avoiding the prominent pitfalls that threaten to snag your every step
coming to a clearing,
the path ahead look innocuous enough

cautiously, you take a step
then another
before long, a chorus of footsteps blithely rings out

you careen down the fairway
anticipating the takeoff,
transiting from motion to flight

elevation affords you a new vantage point
and your eyes scour the path you've just streaked through

nettles and thorns
brambles and bushes
dot the seemingly clear ground
your limbs are scratched,
thorns embedded within your skin
and your heart leaks out through your gaping openness

plummeting
freefalling
innocence lost in a fleeting instance

faith camp

2009-06-14T23:36:00.003+08:00

faith camp was a really inspirational, refreshing time and it felt like I have been far away from God. There's this pledge that I found in one of the workshop notes which was really beautiful. yes beautiful is the only word i can use to describe it, it's well beautiful.

"I will be with you, no matter what happens to us and between us. If you should become blind tomorrow, I will be there. If you achieve no success and attain no status in our society, I will be there. When we argue and are angry, as we inevitably will, I will work to bring us together. When we seem totally at angry, as we inevitably will, I will work to bring us together. When we seem totally at odds and neither of us is having needs fulfilled, I will persist in trying to understand and in trying to restore our relationship. When our marriage seems utterly sterile and going nowhere at all, I will believe that it can work and I will do my part to make it work. And when all is wonderful and we are happy, I will rejoice over our life together, and continue to strive to keep our relationship growing and strong."

I hope I can live up to such a commitment :)

Pris

2009-06-13T00:59:00.003+08:00

i've really got to thank God for Faith camp. for all the immense amounts of insights and revelations, for just reaching deep inside of me and knowing all my thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, hurts and joys even before i even knew them. and for just answering me in ways that i've never thought about, given me an assurance and confirmation of my place in His kingdom.

to be thought higher by the Most High King than what you yourself have ever felt, is just whoaa to the max.

and really thank God for all the wonderful friendships strengthened, especially on the last night. where the total lack of sleep except 1 hour was totally, totally worth it. talking to so many more mature individuals at various stages of their lifes, being in the same boat as me or already had the experience to advice me, was really very enriching. jamming away with weixiong and later david. singing all our sparklight songs with actions, sharing with cell, talking nonsense with tiffy, taking our 5am too outta yr brain photos, alvin the antm photographer, just talking and sharing with joanna weixiong rachel lionel and sososo much more.

God is an awesome awesome God; truly the only One deserving of all praise. even in moments when i've felt so insignificant and inadequate, He truly is the author and perfecter of our faith. :)

2009-06-04T12:23:00.001+08:00

I CAN PLAY SAY IT AGAIN BY MARIE DIGBY ON THE GUITARRRRRR!!!!111ONEONE
and love story too if you'll ignore the one missing chord HAHAHA

2009-06-02T20:39:00.004+08:00

fb quizzes ARE THE ANNOYINGEST THINGS ONLINE >: (

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT KNOW

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUBLISH EVERY SINGLE INANE QUIZ RESULT

if i were totally callous i would so change my status to

JOANNE CHAN BLOCKS PEOPLE WHO DO MORE THAN 4 QUIZZES AND PUBLISH THE STUPID RESULTS THAT SPAM THE DUMB HOME PAGE ROAR!

high five changz, this has to be the most annoying fb trend EVER

ROAR.
-

ANYW! friends! kiv the following places yoz for outingzxzxz yays (((:

HENDERSON WAVES/MOUNT FABER
SOME APPARENTLY SUPER HUGE FUN DAZZLE LIKE THIGNY AT JURONG
(check this out!! Kidz Amaze, a three-storey high playground designed like a vertical maze, boasts an interactive play system suitable for adults and children above three.

It is also reputed to have the tallest foamball arena in Asia and one of the tallest indoor slides in the continent.) DOESNT THAT TOTALLY MAKE YOU WANT TO GO NAO?? :D

WILDWILDWETTTTT
UBIN CYCLING
TENNISSS courts
CHANGI BOARDWALKKKK
thisistotallynotinsaneokayzacefronlandthisisnotinsaneokaystoplaughing

2009-05-26T21:05:00.003+08:00

when i'm feeling like bubblegumpop, spiced with more than a good bout of headbanging and generally feeling like i can play imaginary guitar riffs on the sidewalk and everyone will blur like in my very own music video

i'm ritually getting hooked to new teenybopper headbanging guitar riffing songs like avril's the best **** thing (i censor in my head okay) and taylor swift's you belong with me

SHE WEARS SHORT SKIRTS I WEAR TEESHIRTS
SHE'S CHEER CAPTAIN AND I'M ON THE BLEACHERSSSSSS
DREAMING ABOUT THE DAY WHEN YOU'LL WAKE UP AND FIND THAT WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS HERE THE WHOLE TIMEEEEEEE

*air guitar!!!!!*

on a related but irrelevant note, whenever saturday rolls around and mock credits roll in my head the theme song's always the boys are back HAHAHAH what a riot i laugh hahaha funny what

toodles!!

2009-05-23T22:50:00.002+08:00

you're never really ever alone (:

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

2009-05-23T16:35:00.002+08:00

You can have the prettiest clothes in the world, travelled to the furthest ends of the world, possess the greatest talent amongst many, but yet still feel so empty when you don't have someone you can share your life with, share your thoughts with, talk to the whole night, lean on the shoulder to cry upon.

2009-05-17T22:56:00.003+08:00

Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go.
– louise driscoll

all these are my own works from the rubber stamping workshop with 137 at ms koh's house! super duper uber funnxorrs :D the designs are the stamps, but the colours of the designs and words and the shades are all done by meeeee kay :D ayam v proud of them as you can tell haha

2009-05-14T19:07:00.002+08:00

i wonder how thomas edison felt after he invented the lightbulb. exhilaration, pride, relief, thankfulness..

i wonder if he ever felt scared to try another project. scared that hey, even if he could do it once, doesn't mean he could do it again. scared of being a one-hit wonder.

sometimes, i think, we're more afraid of our talents than what we dont have. what we never had, we can never lose. but what was once our crowning glory can just slip from our grasp.

pen to paper, i think sometimes i'm scared i'll lose my voice that flowed through ink. the part of me that seemed to engage all my attention as alphabets conjoined into words, weaving prose that looked like poetry in certain lights.
-

in a dusty corner of the attic
a kite dangles limply from a hook
muted colours softly fading into the woodwork
it flew just once,
but not again
because
what if it never flew as high as it did before?
-

oosh. not pessimistic, but pensive haha. i think i like writing because lessons we glean from life seem to stick better to paper than they do to our heads haha.

2009-05-11T14:09:00.003+08:00

HI IM BACK!! AND IM PHAT!! AND MY LUGGAGE WENT FROM 9KG TO 17.8KG WHEN I CAME BACK HAHAHAHA. POSTULATES THAT I BOUGHT 10KG OF CLOTHES. G THINKS I SMUGGLED CUTE TAIWAN BOYS BACK -.- (they're gg to be pretty underweight) AND IM TERRIBAD AT BUYING SOUVENIRS ): BUT I HAVE PHOTOS!

i'll put them up soon! thanksgiving must be in order! (:

thank God for:
perfect weather
smooth customs transition
NO QUARANTINE!!! HAHAHAHA
great food
brilliant shopping
awesome company (((: <3
new friends in taiwan no less haha :D
extended wardrobe
HEINEKEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (no we didnt drink no worries)
FOOOD!
safe flight there and back! (esp when i flew back ALONEEEEE from taiwan to hk and transited ALL BY MYSELF im so proud)

thank God! ((:

2009-05-01T21:05:00.002+08:00

eggcited!! just imagine. 10 girls bumbling about in taiwan/hk. AND HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIFES. just delicious. i'm so thankful (: thank you God, for love's really in the details. thank You for always taking care of them. (:

MISSES! KISSES! BISES! FISHES!! hahahah

2009-04-28T11:22:00.005+08:00

i'm going to master breathe by taylor swift on the guitar, even though the lyrics are quite.. unlyrical. haha but the guitar riffs are suuuperb! and fearless too! haha guitar tuition anyone? :D and i HAVE to wrap my mind around collide cause so far i can only play the intro -.-, but apparently the entire song IS THE INTRO REPEATED -.- -.- -.- teehee.

-
and just saying, that's not love.

2009-04-21T21:09:00.003+08:00

two words: 17 again

one word: husband

one action: faints

to infinity and beyond! words: 17 again (and again and again and again and again and again...)

oh and check out the retro-ed hair he sported in the early bits of the show. i was like NO OH PLEASE FLOPPY HAIR FTW

2009-04-17T11:28:00.003+08:00

i dare say dresses have got a wholly unwholesome hold (say that out loud) on me. a presently enjoyable, though frivolous pursuit that seems wont to ensnare me in its invitingly lustrous folds.

if you think me strange in the way of language i am currently uttering, blame not the influenced, but the influence!

hahah ok i shall quit the flowery language now. it's Jane Eyre! the influence that i speak so highly of haha. it's awesome to read, gripping in its storyline and makes you ponder the sentence structure and the way the author phrases emotions and thoughts. gives one a sort of childish joy at being able to make intelligent the long rambling sentences she writes of.

ANYWAY! the purpose of this post was to show the gorgeous dresses (and 1 top) that i'm besotted with. darn the internet. DARN ONLINE SHOPS. DARN ASOS WITH THEIR BEGUILING DRESSES!

LOOK AT THEM CAN YOU NOT IMAGINE THEIR FINERY!!! :O

and i've saved the best for last! i lovelovelove this colour this dress!

okay, i bet you think me a frivolous creature of shallow taste with little depth of mind. but think what you may, for i'm not disposed to write my innermost thoughts on a page such as this. okay jane eyre has too great an influence on me, i shall quit this page now hahaha.

2009-04-05T23:04:00.004+08:00

I LOVE THIS. YOGGI ROCKS

and grace is the bomb. i dont know whether to be pleased or not HAHA:
msg 1: In celebration of zac efron's new movie 17 Again, does his wife want to treat me to watching his movie?
msg 2: I don't mind watchign w you cuz i'm free anw. But you treat me! I dont want to waste money watching zac efron ahah. Cheapo i know BUT THAT'S HIS VALUE TO ME :P WHAT THE PONGS!!

okay bye im going to stop posting for 1 week haha

2009-04-04T00:13:00.003+08:00

today i laughed like JELLY. like crying jelly. omg and all the quotable quotes! cheryl and jess omg. "I WANT PRATA WITHOUT OIL!" "EAT DOUGH!" and a million other things and when our tissue prata came looking like some COLLAPSED TENT it totally took the mickey out of all of us. ahahahahahah and yane is forbidden from setting up the fb group, do YOU laugh at tissue prata? joannechan does. please support this lost cause. and we're going FEESHING NEXT WEEEEEKKKK!!! :D and jon is the awesome look at this

yane: "eh what time you gg army ah?"
jon: "er donch noe leh"
norman: "what school ah. school 2 is it?"
jon: "er donch noe leh. i think school 1 la"
jon: "or maybe school 2"
yane: "scarli you had to book in ytd lor"
jon: " er donch noe leh"
*PREGNANT PAUSE*
jon: "EH DONT LIKE THAT LA!!!!"

hahahaahahahahaahhahahaahahahh and when norman drove us home it was INSANE. i think i shall postpone all notion of driving lessons hahaha

2009-04-02T18:55:00.002+08:00

oh eww gross. yuckxors.
-

in other news, shift 6 shift 6!! :D