hello friends!

the few that still do read this little forgotten corner of the WWW :) thank you for following me through the lows and the highs of my life. of the times when i've needed to believe there was someone out there, safe in his/her anonymity that was reading my words and empathising with me. God's really been leading this little sheep, though as far as sheep go, this has got to be one of the most stubborn and quietly rebellious sometimes. :P i thank God for all seasons of my life, for the beauty and for the pain, for the growth and for the falls. this blogspace somehow feels riddled with alot more angst than i actually care to remember. because God made life beautiful and Im not going to be drawn to angst. :)

so i'll be moving, to a brighter, whiter space, where I want God to take control, to be seen in my weaknesses and not to obscure Him with my minute strength. :)

take care loves, be blessed in Christ :)
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when the new space is up, will update accordingly!

it's been ages since i've last updated! somehow it feels like the urge to blog only manifests itself when i'm down and i need an outlet to just spew all my inner ramblings.

like thinly-veiled, multi-layered expressions that say what i feel, but in a really oblique manner. the problem with me is, i want you to know, without me having to say a word.

i wish you had called back instead of just messaging.
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oh VELLS! on a side note, not a brighter note though (cause it's still so hazy out), I MISS MY BEAUTIFUL SKIES :( of crisp clear blue in the wee hours of the morning, like the air's just been scrubbed. and of deep crimson hues in the dusk as the sun stretches lazily into the horizon. OH INDONESIA! you who colour my palette grey! >:(

joanne chan hurts. joanne chan feels deeply. why is it that i always want to wear my heart on my sleeve and bare my emotions. but i can never bring myself to show everyone that i hurt, that i'm not always chirpy. that i'm confused, that i'm so utterly human.

being in Christ, doesn't mean i can always look at things through rose-tinted shades, and never struggle with having to let God take control. it doesn't mean that i have it more together than anyone else. it's more so that i really dont have it otgether and that i need God..

let not words just be easy to say; help me put them into action.

Dear Lord,

I need Your guidance. No more pretentiousness, no more putting up a facade, no more pleasing others over pleasing You, no more talk and no action. All things are in Your hands, and I will and can only do what I can.


By Grace Alone

btw NICE RIGHT THE CUFF!! i want!! hahah http://store.dayspring.com/bygralcubr.html teehee and http://store.dayspring.com/bygralne.html
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the mired mix of confused stress and carefree (careless?) decadence

i realise i've walls built around me, a fortress if you may. to upkeep the facade of complete together-ness, that i've the picture-perfect life. almost picture-perfect. like some idyllic story, where everyday is sunny, where i'll be able to see sunshine and rainbows no matter what the situation is, cause hey! i've got a pretty cushy life don't i?

i'm not saying i'm not blessed, i'm immensely so, thank God (: but i realise i dont give myself the permission to fail, to appear flawed to those around. even when there're quarrels or problems/crisis, almost no one knows, cause it just seems so imperfect to have problems. guess that why i'm so overly fixated on doing right, doing right, as defined in the eyes of those around me. to the extent that i dont make my own decisions, because I WANT TO MAKE THEM. i make them based on what others say/perceive.

growing up is way harder than i thought.

i want to just do something, make MY decision, go ahead with it, and experience life. to not be afraid to be REAL, to fall, to not be so scared of marring my facade of pseudo-perfection

oh roars! i feel my brain mass dwindling as the days flit pass, shrinking upon itself into a desolate abject little piece of mangy flesh. i was that desperate for a bit of brain gym that i actually wanted to write a GP essay all over again. just for the small, short, pleasurable moments when i wrack my mind for JUST the right word to express, to encapsulate JUST exactly what i mean. the relief and pride i feel each time i get JUST the word is almost laughable sometimes. TEEHEE

and a tinny voice in my ear tells me there is hope in every heartbeat lalala

:)

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

- as quoted from Adrian Tan's NTU convocation speech

i'm bursting with words, like a dam on its last legs, splitting open at the seams. but once again reality bites and i've to rush off for

TUITION.

hahaha. but i do lubbs my kid deeps deep (:

anyway! what we learnt during cell today struck a chord within me and it really did resonate (: will share more when i'm back whee. back as loosely defined with huge lapses of time elasticity HAHA.

and this song is such an encouragement! my sissy showed it to me and i didnt want to listen to her song recommendation at first (cause most of the time our music tastes run utterly parallel to each other). but it's really worth a listen (: and the piano intro is wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :D thank you Lord (:

I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in

Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are
You are everything

ohmy i feel 13 all over again. 7 years ago. wow. the emotions and tumult and questions that i had when i was 13 seem so familiar yet so utterly foreign at the same time haha. reading old blog entries do have a way of transporting you all the way back in time.

WHOOMP. 13 year-old jojoanneanne. hmm hidden under 7 years' layers of experiences and emotions and maturing and (fats) hahah