please try NOT to understand this post or better yet, don't read it. please. it's just the confused ramblings of a really horrible girl.
as you just look at me, you would never have known that under the surface of this purple shirt, underneath all the face paint of liveliness and bounciness, you would never know the interior was a terribly timid and selfish girl. selfish to not let herself be vulnerable to any hurt again. ever. this isn't some ranty loveysick thingum. instead it's just how terrible i feel for how i am inside. how i want to open myself up yet i can't. not opening up like talking and sharing, that i can do. but opening up my heart and life to let someone in. you just feel exposed and selfish what if you get irrevocably hurt again. it isn't just about my own hurt too, time has shown me what lasts and what is true. yet i'm afraid of hurting others, of maybe having to put them through the same gruelling experience. i'm really sorry for being so horrible, but i can't seem to be able to just talk normally. self-consciousness makes me lose all sight of what i stand for and what i am, i just get twittered up and painfully conscious. then i slap on more face paint and cover all the unease up by not talking to you [in plural form] and just keeping a distance. this stinks, i know. and if you feel that this entry pertains to you IF you're still reading this [which you weren't supposed to since i can't figure out how to lock the blog] then please, understand that i'm really sorry. underneath this shell, this cracking exterior, i'm emerging. i'm really trying to. all that i can really offer is that i'll try and i'll really talk next time. i'm really really really sorry
joanne
