it's been ages since i've felt any deep longing to precisely put into words my emotions and thoughts. after reading lois' blog, it's like a recess suddenly opened within me, a gaping chasm that echoes hollowly and rings back in plaintive tones. i miss how i used to hide behind poems and give them subtle shades of meaning; miss the times when i freely gave myself poetic license to bare my soul in words half-shrouded in musings.
many times, God teaches me so many lessons, but i'll learn them only for abit and then lapse into my ignorant self all over again. brings to mind how deeply moved i was by my rainbow theory during As, how i firmly, resolutely, resolved to grasp every single moment and enjoy it all, both the good and the bad. it's ironic and more than a tad sad how i keep wanting to live in the future of "better things yet to come". seems like i'm an AC girl at heart haha instead of good ol' Raffles.
how many times have the thoughts of "if i had (_______)", "if (______) happened", "if (_______) was over"... flitted through this mind. why is it so hard for me to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment for what God has blessed me with? all the times when i'm afraid to be honest with myself, i'll just brush it aside and focus on the trivialities of mundane living. but the times when i'm lucid and brave enough to confront myself, i know it's cause i haven't the faith to completely trust that God plans my tomorrows and that He's already been there. i feel like it's only in my hands and the decisions i make, outweigh His plans, and i'm just afraid to completely, thoroughly, trustingly, surrender everything into His Hands.
which is so.. LAME. for lack of a better word haha. He's proven so many many times, on countless occasions that He's more than enough for me, that He's my Provider, for ALLLLLLL things big and small. He's always provided, in terms of blessings; monetary, academic, joy, friends, laughter, family.. i'm a sod, seriously, thinking about all that haha. but it's hard to be mature and thankful all the time, i'm glad that even if i am a sod, i'm a maturing sod. :)
knowing Jesus is just THIS MUCH important. i'm not out to preach, but sometimes i'm just ashamed to see how scared i am to share of the goodness of Your love, of the Truth. people flinch when we use such absolute words, words that leave no room for grey areas and to borrow a colloqualism "LIKE THAT IS LIKE THAT, NO COMPROMISE AT ALL" but Jesus didn't mince His words, He didn't say "I may be the way", He wasn't wishy-washy (as most of us, ME ME ME especially, are apt to be) He said that He's the "only Way, the Truth and the Life". so there you go, there's only 2 options for who Jesus is. He's either telling the truth or He's lying. Either He's a raving lunatic, completely mad and lying. or He's really God's Son.
when it comes down to this, how absolute and uncompromising this is, i get all chilly and admittedly, abit scared at the gravity of it all. but there's always this tingly joy and hope that prods my heart and says God is real, and He loves me.
whoaa. what an outpouring! haha. be blessed my dears :)
