joanne chan hurts. joanne chan feels deeply. why is it that i always want to wear my heart on my sleeve and bare my emotions. but i can never bring myself to show everyone that i hurt, that i'm not always chirpy. that i'm confused, that i'm so utterly human.

being in Christ, doesn't mean i can always look at things through rose-tinted shades, and never struggle with having to let God take control. it doesn't mean that i have it more together than anyone else. it's more so that i really dont have it otgether and that i need God..

let not words just be easy to say; help me put them into action.

Dear Lord,

I need Your guidance. No more pretentiousness, no more putting up a facade, no more pleasing others over pleasing You, no more talk and no action. All things are in Your hands, and I will and can only do what I can.


By Grace Alone

btw NICE RIGHT THE CUFF!! i want!! hahah http://store.dayspring.com/bygralcubr.html teehee and http://store.dayspring.com/bygralne.html
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the mired mix of confused stress and carefree (careless?) decadence

i realise i've walls built around me, a fortress if you may. to upkeep the facade of complete together-ness, that i've the picture-perfect life. almost picture-perfect. like some idyllic story, where everyday is sunny, where i'll be able to see sunshine and rainbows no matter what the situation is, cause hey! i've got a pretty cushy life don't i?

i'm not saying i'm not blessed, i'm immensely so, thank God (: but i realise i dont give myself the permission to fail, to appear flawed to those around. even when there're quarrels or problems/crisis, almost no one knows, cause it just seems so imperfect to have problems. guess that why i'm so overly fixated on doing right, doing right, as defined in the eyes of those around me. to the extent that i dont make my own decisions, because I WANT TO MAKE THEM. i make them based on what others say/perceive.

growing up is way harder than i thought.

i want to just do something, make MY decision, go ahead with it, and experience life. to not be afraid to be REAL, to fall, to not be so scared of marring my facade of pseudo-perfection

oh roars! i feel my brain mass dwindling as the days flit pass, shrinking upon itself into a desolate abject little piece of mangy flesh. i was that desperate for a bit of brain gym that i actually wanted to write a GP essay all over again. just for the small, short, pleasurable moments when i wrack my mind for JUST the right word to express, to encapsulate JUST exactly what i mean. the relief and pride i feel each time i get JUST the word is almost laughable sometimes. TEEHEE

and a tinny voice in my ear tells me there is hope in every heartbeat lalala

:)

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

- as quoted from Adrian Tan's NTU convocation speech

i'm bursting with words, like a dam on its last legs, splitting open at the seams. but once again reality bites and i've to rush off for

TUITION.

hahaha. but i do lubbs my kid deeps deep (:

anyway! what we learnt during cell today struck a chord within me and it really did resonate (: will share more when i'm back whee. back as loosely defined with huge lapses of time elasticity HAHA.

and this song is such an encouragement! my sissy showed it to me and i didnt want to listen to her song recommendation at first (cause most of the time our music tastes run utterly parallel to each other). but it's really worth a listen (: and the piano intro is wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :D thank you Lord (:

I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in

Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are
You are
Jesus, You are
You are everything

ohmy i feel 13 all over again. 7 years ago. wow. the emotions and tumult and questions that i had when i was 13 seem so familiar yet so utterly foreign at the same time haha. reading old blog entries do have a way of transporting you all the way back in time.

WHOOMP. 13 year-old jojoanneanne. hmm hidden under 7 years' layers of experiences and emotions and maturing and (fats) hahah

it's been ages since i've felt any deep longing to precisely put into words my emotions and thoughts. after reading lois' blog, it's like a recess suddenly opened within me, a gaping chasm that echoes hollowly and rings back in plaintive tones. i miss how i used to hide behind poems and give them subtle shades of meaning; miss the times when i freely gave myself poetic license to bare my soul in words half-shrouded in musings.

many times, God teaches me so many lessons, but i'll learn them only for abit and then lapse into my ignorant self all over again. brings to mind how deeply moved i was by my rainbow theory during As, how i firmly, resolutely, resolved to grasp every single moment and enjoy it all, both the good and the bad. it's ironic and more than a tad sad how i keep wanting to live in the future of "better things yet to come". seems like i'm an AC girl at heart haha instead of good ol' Raffles.

how many times have the thoughts of "if i had (_______)", "if (______) happened", "if (_______) was over"... flitted through this mind. why is it so hard for me to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment for what God has blessed me with? all the times when i'm afraid to be honest with myself, i'll just brush it aside and focus on the trivialities of mundane living. but the times when i'm lucid and brave enough to confront myself, i know it's cause i haven't the faith to completely trust that God plans my tomorrows and that He's already been there. i feel like it's only in my hands and the decisions i make, outweigh His plans, and i'm just afraid to completely, thoroughly, trustingly, surrender everything into His Hands.

which is so.. LAME. for lack of a better word haha. He's proven so many many times, on countless occasions that He's more than enough for me, that He's my Provider, for ALLLLLLL things big and small. He's always provided, in terms of blessings; monetary, academic, joy, friends, laughter, family.. i'm a sod, seriously, thinking about all that haha. but it's hard to be mature and thankful all the time, i'm glad that even if i am a sod, i'm a maturing sod. :)

knowing Jesus is just THIS MUCH important. i'm not out to preach, but sometimes i'm just ashamed to see how scared i am to share of the goodness of Your love, of the Truth. people flinch when we use such absolute words, words that leave no room for grey areas and to borrow a colloqualism "LIKE THAT IS LIKE THAT, NO COMPROMISE AT ALL" but Jesus didn't mince His words, He didn't say "I may be the way", He wasn't wishy-washy (as most of us, ME ME ME especially, are apt to be) He said that He's the "only Way, the Truth and the Life". so there you go, there's only 2 options for who Jesus is. He's either telling the truth or He's lying. Either He's a raving lunatic, completely mad and lying. or He's really God's Son.

when it comes down to this, how absolute and uncompromising this is, i get all chilly and admittedly, abit scared at the gravity of it all. but there's always this tingly joy and hope that prods my heart and says God is real, and He loves me.

whoaa. what an outpouring! haha. be blessed my dears :)

Lord, take control :)

i know why these few mornings have been so amazingly awesome :)

cause it's just me, squished into a corner of the sofa, the window ajar and the morning breeze. with my Bible and unlimited propensity to just sit and think and let my thoughts drift out lazily :)

i really am not a night/evening person at all haha. all my thoughts are so disjointed!

my God is mighty to save :)

fruits of the Spirit, remember remember remember

to rank all the precious commodities in this world, i think time would be one of the most understated.

how many times have i rushed through my daily activities, rushed through meetings and outings and phonecalls and memories, just to get to the next meeting outing phonecall memory. how many times have i missed those dear to me telling me to slow down, to make some time for them? and when i do take the time out, how much of myself is really there? presence with only half your heart there doesn't amount to much does it?

the gravity of this only impressed itself upon me when i was doing QT this morning. that God always has time for us, when the world turns away and you're the only one in the darkness, eyes wide shut, He's always there. How much we treasure the time of those who hold dear, yet we forget that the One who never changes, who always has time for us, who is never too busy for us, is just there, right next to our hearts.

best friends aren't just those who can tell when you're happy when you dont say a thing, they're the ones, when you call them to wish them a safe trip, to pray for journey mercies, who look through your veil of words, who know enough to say "are you okay? you sound sad." take care markypoo (: miss you (:

and reading about shepherding and dumb sheeps and the stark parallels between God and me in them just made me tear. to know that when i fall, God catches me and He may break my heart but He never breaks me. <3

rational or emotional?

hahahaha shihee's super funny! "hi my name is study" GO(h) STUDY!! hahaha. okay cheap thrill. if your surname's goh, you've got a new name for yourself, voila!

you have no idea how sad you make me feel sometimes

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
as i hide behind a wall of smiley texts

J'ai voulu écrire un message énigmatique et le faire sneakily composer en français. Mais j'ai réalisé la prolifération des traducteurs en ligne. Queest-ce qu'au point, pourquoi est vous m'apporte lisant mon poteau sur le babelfish ? haha attrapé te!
-

don't wanna leave it all behind
but i get my hopes up
and i watch them fall everytime
another colour turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away

sprinkly sparkles of silvery shiny stars

when i was young i wanted to be a princess with long flowing locks and yep, my own trail with sprinkly sparkles of silvery shiny stars TEEHEE :D

i wonder how walking on moonbeams must feel like

ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRR CS1101C YOU ARE A BIG LUMP OF POOP!!

STUPID POINTERS ANYHOW ANYHOW POINT HERE POINT THERE FOR WHAT!!

point point point.

i need to go play squash! haha social squash as darren calls it since we prolly talk more than we run

POINT POINT POINT POINT!!!!!

bananafana fee fi fo fum
goobbledygook zonk zonk zonk
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you dont have words ONOMATOPOEIA FTW

TAN LEI LEI WHERE ARE YOU I CANT WAIT FOR THIS TO ALL BE OVER AND WE CAN ESCAPE BACK TO SOME SEMBLANCE OF PSEUDO RJ LIFE MISS HOW YOU ALWAYSALWAYS UNDERSTAND ME )):

IN OTHER NEWS, (insert name of undecided location) with poxy markypoo and (insert name/s of unfinalised escapees) in june! HAH!

lock lock lock lock throwwwwwwww!

i love love love love love this webpage so much!

http://homegrownhospitality.typepad.com/photos/rak_doodles/#tp

when i was feeling pretty angsty just now, reading those little snippets of wisdom and knowing that they're grounded in God's Word as well, really did lift my spirits. (: i wanted to ROARRRR but okay no roar, but to let God take control :)