my life has never been this clear
now i know the reason why i'm here
you never know why you're alive
until you know what you would die for

certain events with certain people have just rattled the cage and stirred things deep inside of me. and it's made me feel like a trussed up chicken squawking away and tussling with the strings that cut deep into where it hurts the most.

and Pastor Pacer's sermon on sunday was really apt, it was as though God was really just speaking straight to my heart, unwrapping all the cutting, tangled strings of confusion, hurt, passion and anger. scoff all you want and be cynical, but i believe and know that Jesus is real to me. conviction in action, i'm going to contend for my faith.

it's times like these when the line between tact, sensitivity and conviction just seems to double-cross itself. and as i reflect on the occasions where words arose in my mouth to defend, it would remain lodged between my heart and my mouth for fear of crossing that same dubious line into tactlessness and insensitivity. but consider it from another point of view, have you gallantly stridden across the very divide as well?

the closest way to encapsulate all i've been feeling is in this tidy package i've unearthed from my diary.

"and i've got to realise that i cannot please everyone and that i have a right to hold my opinion on matters. I believe and know that Jesus is God and the one and only Lord of lords. there's a fine line between insensitivity to others and standing by what you believe in. and in the face of strong opposition and personality, it's been just too easy to err on the side of caution. but i'm entitled to what i believe in and it's just going to show in my attitude, in my words and in my life. i'm not going to compromise myself and Jesus again for the opinions of others. and by the grace of God, may i still exhibit sensitivity to others while upholding my faith."

mmhm.

on the walk to school today, with mercyme playing in my ears and the wind tousling my hair back from my face, it was just so peaceful. so serene. and i could just feel God drawing me closer to Him, even though i've strayed and tried to rely on my own insignificant strength over and over again. He's always been there, just waiting and loving. loving with a magnitude this heart can never fully grasp. it's just His reassurance that i don't have to feel this confused, this convoluted and that i can just entrust it all to Him. even when the words of those i treasure may splice through me like a blade, it's nothing compared to the agony He went through, punctuated by the nailprints in His hands.

there. (:

-anne

and i know that i can find You here
'cause You promised me You'll always be there
times like these, it's hard to see
but somehow i have a peace, You're near
and i pray that You will use my life
in whatever way Your name is glorified
even if surrendering,
means leaving everything behind

on another note, here's to morning calls and sleepy yawns (: