:( 2 disparate issues, worlds apart yet linked by the common thread of transition of rg into rj.

i really felt i could do something to change. to change the status quo and as they say "step out of my comfort zone". then i plummetted. cause i realised my comfort zone didn't just reside in myself, they weren't boundaries i drew out in my head. my comfort zone lay in those around me and whatever views they held, i'll be compelled to follow. for fear of either seeming too overeager, or for fear that no one would be my support. but 2 whole years in rj and it's going to whiz by like anything. 1 year and 4 months and still counting. would the 2 years even remain as something more than a distant memory in the years to come. would anything survive out of the classroom and the twists and turns of events that brought each and every one together? or would the status quo prove too easy to fall back on and everyone's just too shy, waiting on the world to change. hycritical may be the word of the day and i'm as guilty as charged for not stepping out. for not holding on to what i believe in, but rather, allowing what is to be expected, what those around say is normal to be my stand, when it's never been that way. i know i regret today. and the many yesterdays that have flown by. and i tell myself, do i want to regret the other tomorrows to come as well? will i just let them slip away into todays and yesterdays. the spirit is willing, but oh how the heart trembles with fear and cowardice and the knowledge that conformity is safe. ):

separately. i know i let my emotions yoyo me around and i retreat into my cave and push people away when the yoyo dips and falls. but i never wanted it to turn out this way. true, i never thought about what inaction could do, how unspoken words could be communicated as clearly and how our friendship was so important to me. but i never knew just how complicated things could be when you take what other people say into consideration even though you know it's not true. i've let their words rock my security, rock the sweetness of friendship. but i just cant seem to force the words from inside out to say sorry. for the times i've turned away and closed my eyes to hide to avoid people saying more than necessary. ):

-anne