so this was how we all started. how will we end?It’s been 18 years and counting. 18 years; or 6805 days, 20 hours, 5 minutes and counting. And now it seems like I’m just standing on the brink of a great unknown. The horizon’s so wide, the possibilities are endless, and it’s only now that I realise just how vastly small my decision may seem to the world but is probably one of the greatest decisions I’ve to make. Ever.
Even as I’m sitting here and typing this, I’m beginning to get cold feet and I wonder if my life is really working out in the way God would have wanted it.
What if I had never joined the gep. What if I had gone to dunman, I would most probably be in vj now, and maybe, who knows, maybe still with you. It was that sole decision in p6 that small utterance when mommy stood in the doorway of the morning we had to decide the top 3 choices that set me on the path to rg, to rj and now, where?
I look at the array of colleges, universities and just CHOICES that are waiting to be made and I wish with all my heart that I know for sure what I’m doing. Where should a humanities heart and a science mind go? And where do I go where I can still follow God’s plan for my life? And where can I go where I wont have JUST only a career for the rest of my life?
I never was good at making decisions, unless the answer was as clear as day. Pongs, I cant even decide what to eat for breakfast most of the time. I simply reach into the cupboard and hope that whatever comes out is something exciting. If not I fish around again. This isn’t really going to stand me in good stead now is it?
The sheer independency of going overseas and the utter MATUREDNESS of it don’t seem to be what I can manage. But something in me wants to try, wants to give it my best shot and PRAY and hope that it’ll be the best deicion I can make. Maybe the elite in me is too fully nurtured, maybe I think that by staying I’m not giving myself the best chance that all along has been handed on a platter to me.
Would I be able to give up all the many, infinitely many roots I’ve put out on this very soil. Plants can be grafted sure, transferred from one place to another. But pull off too many of their roots and you just see what happens. Would I keel over and just wilt?
Maybe it’s like the better decision made of the worse choices. Either I die from the sense of uprootedness, or forever be haunted by the knowledge that I didn’t try.
I feel like my mind is expanding, beyond its little walls, that though were restrictive, were at least familiar and cosy. It feels irreversible, like it’s ME in the WORLD. No longer just ME in RJC.
I will blatantly admit that I’m scared, and I’m unsure and I’m confused. But most importantly, I acknowledge just how much I cannot know, and how much God can. For it is in my weakness that He is made strong.
So let go and let God.
Even as I’m sitting here and typing this, I’m beginning to get cold feet and I wonder if my life is really working out in the way God would have wanted it.
What if I had never joined the gep. What if I had gone to dunman, I would most probably be in vj now, and maybe, who knows, maybe still with you. It was that sole decision in p6 that small utterance when mommy stood in the doorway of the morning we had to decide the top 3 choices that set me on the path to rg, to rj and now, where?
I look at the array of colleges, universities and just CHOICES that are waiting to be made and I wish with all my heart that I know for sure what I’m doing. Where should a humanities heart and a science mind go? And where do I go where I can still follow God’s plan for my life? And where can I go where I wont have JUST only a career for the rest of my life?
I never was good at making decisions, unless the answer was as clear as day. Pongs, I cant even decide what to eat for breakfast most of the time. I simply reach into the cupboard and hope that whatever comes out is something exciting. If not I fish around again. This isn’t really going to stand me in good stead now is it?
The sheer independency of going overseas and the utter MATUREDNESS of it don’t seem to be what I can manage. But something in me wants to try, wants to give it my best shot and PRAY and hope that it’ll be the best deicion I can make. Maybe the elite in me is too fully nurtured, maybe I think that by staying I’m not giving myself the best chance that all along has been handed on a platter to me.
Would I be able to give up all the many, infinitely many roots I’ve put out on this very soil. Plants can be grafted sure, transferred from one place to another. But pull off too many of their roots and you just see what happens. Would I keel over and just wilt?
Maybe it’s like the better decision made of the worse choices. Either I die from the sense of uprootedness, or forever be haunted by the knowledge that I didn’t try.
I feel like my mind is expanding, beyond its little walls, that though were restrictive, were at least familiar and cosy. It feels irreversible, like it’s ME in the WORLD. No longer just ME in RJC.
I will blatantly admit that I’m scared, and I’m unsure and I’m confused. But most importantly, I acknowledge just how much I cannot know, and how much God can. For it is in my weakness that He is made strong.
So let go and let God.
