because words cant adequately capture the tumult of emotions and thoughts all mired deep in me, but they're still one of the few ways, the few channels that sometimes unties this knot inside

things that made me happy, happier but for the blight that keeps settling at the back of my mind, wedging itself in like a wholly unwelcomed intruder;

mommy: God is ranked #1, then my daughter #2 *snuggles with said daughter haha*
said daughter: what about papa? #3 ah?
mommy: ya #3 la
said daughter: hey papa! mommy says God is #1 then im #2 and you're #3 HAHAHAH YAY!
papa: eh sure anot? not #4 meh
mommy: *whispers* he's just glad he's not at the bottom

while watching singapore idol
mommy: eh i got smth to show you! one of the contestants has the name of the cat we read in the book last time! TAH-BEE-HA!
*hahaha long-standing joke on how my mom pronounced tabitha

mei: eh you know last time the sea thing you grow in the tank? the moose product? what was it called?
fatjojo: errr wait wait i know i know lemme think
mommy: sea cucumber ah?
mei and fatjojo: *HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
*it was sea monkeys hahaha

mei: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA *upon seeing the fatboy in UP in the newspaper again* *shows mommy* so cute right!
mommy: but he's not real!
fatjojo: he's so fat he doesnt even have a neck la!
mei: HAHAHHAHAH

-
i wonder how many people feel the need to put up a facade sometimes. i guess when asked in a room full of people and all eyes truly closed, every single hand would be up, a secret white flag of surrender that says sometimes i hide how i feel, sometimes im crying so hard inside but the most brilliant smile dances upon my lips

i think the hardest thing and one of the most terrible feeling in the world is to know that you've hurt someone. when you have in your capacity the power to not hurt the person. when the decision is yours and solely yours to make. i never ever ever EVER want to have anyone hurt due to my actions. well in all fairness, this vehement refusal is definitely more marked for those i hold dear to me.

i wonder if a strong sense of avoidance, of the prevention of hurt could actually evolve into a sort of bind

it's all about You, Jesus
it's not about me,
as if You should do things my way
You alone are God
and i surrender
to Your ways

there's a dam of questions, of wordless emotions, of flitting thoughts that dont really settle that's just waiting to burst forth. but the lack of words stem its flow. I want God's will for my life, i want His best, i want Him, i want to want His will. but i won't deny that there have been times when the road gets trying. there have been times when i've just felt so blahh and why do i have to live life right everyone around me has had their chance to make their mistakes to just be not so good. but that doesn't mean He is any less real. God doesn't promise an easy life, utopian and utterly stress-free but He promises that He'll always be there, that no matter what, He holds our hands and is there every single, minute, step of the way.

i never liked asking people for favours haha cause i'll feel like i've imposed on them alot. but i ask this of those of you who are reading, i ask for your prayers; for the love and the support from brothers and sisters in Christ. (: to grow more like Jesus and live my life as a true testimony for Him. be blessed, loves (:

<3