BIA - back in action, for now

it has been around 3 months since i last posted? hmm kay maybe not that bad but i just don't ever seem to get down to writing an entry... until my dear co-owner has decided to emerge from her disappearing act as well. oh yes btw, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVE! but that's not the point for writing this entry, somehow i feel like everything must have a purpose, like i don't seem to be able to write for the sake of writing. human thoughts are very peculiar: they are so random but yet understandable at times, at least to the writer, who knows what is exactly going on in her mind and perhaps wants others to comprehend too but doesn't know how to voice it out. i dont' want to pretend to know what my co-owner was trying to express out or what was eating her up inside (maybe not that exaggerated, but bothering her). as a matter of fact, i dont' assume anyone would bother visiting this blog anymore, but i'm surprisingly, and quite rarely, in this inspired mood to talk, about stuff that are quite depressing. so if there's still any single soul reading this mindless rambling, please just ignore this crappy entry lar.

no wonder they say that teenage years is a period of growing up, learning from experiences blah blah.. the usual stereotypical but scarily true statements. having returned from a 25 days long immersion programme in france had added alot to my own experience collection, i guess more private stuff that i don't wish to mention. i love my family of 27!!!! oh wait, i'm diverging. yar, basically i just want to agree that sometimes i think i can be very selfish, humans tend to have this fear: once bitten twice shy kind of phobia. it might have been a small incident, but it could scar you for life. felt quite moody recently, seems as if anyone, even the people closest to me could get on my nerves. you just don't know whether you are thinking straight, but you just feel pissed. sounds like some mad person lar... hmm maybe i am turning into one. (okay, just joking) but the point is that (i don't seem to have any point inthis whole entry to start with) i just seem to be always losing myself to this pessimistic outlook of any and everything. but i'm slowly getting out of it. why is it that i just seem to like seeing things like that, not how optimistic others are?
argh.. i'm always losing my train of thoughts, anyway here's my copyrighted quote/random thought: the happiest people hide the most hurt, the smiles hide the tears. to my ardent readers out there(if there're any), i think this would be the only entry i'm writing for some time. too lazy to write.

pris
-you never care how much someone knows, until you know how much someone cares.

-

please try NOT to understand this post or better yet, don't read it. please. it's just the confused ramblings of a really horrible girl.



















as you just look at me, you would never have known that under the surface of this purple shirt, underneath all the face paint of liveliness and bounciness, you would never know the interior was a terribly timid and selfish girl. selfish to not let herself be vulnerable to any hurt again. ever. this isn't some ranty loveysick thingum. instead it's just how terrible i feel for how i am inside. how i want to open myself up yet i can't. not opening up like talking and sharing, that i can do. but opening up my heart and life to let someone in. you just feel exposed and selfish what if you get irrevocably hurt again. it isn't just about my own hurt too, time has shown me what lasts and what is true. yet i'm afraid of hurting others, of maybe having to put them through the same gruelling experience. i'm really sorry for being so horrible, but i can't seem to be able to just talk normally. self-consciousness makes me lose all sight of what i stand for and what i am, i just get twittered up and painfully conscious. then i slap on more face paint and cover all the unease up by not talking to you [in plural form] and just keeping a distance. this stinks, i know. and if you feel that this entry pertains to you IF you're still reading this [which you weren't supposed to since i can't figure out how to lock the blog] then please, understand that i'm really sorry. underneath this shell, this cracking exterior, i'm emerging. i'm really trying to. all that i can really offer is that i'll try and i'll really talk next time. i'm really really really sorry

joanne