i realise i've walls built around me, a fortress if you may. to upkeep the facade of complete together-ness, that i've the picture-perfect life. almost picture-perfect. like some idyllic story, where everyday is sunny, where i'll be able to see sunshine and rainbows no matter what the situation is, cause hey! i've got a pretty cushy life don't i?

i'm not saying i'm not blessed, i'm immensely so, thank God (: but i realise i dont give myself the permission to fail, to appear flawed to those around. even when there're quarrels or problems/crisis, almost no one knows, cause it just seems so imperfect to have problems. guess that why i'm so overly fixated on doing right, doing right, as defined in the eyes of those around me. to the extent that i dont make my own decisions, because I WANT TO MAKE THEM. i make them based on what others say/perceive.

growing up is way harder than i thought.

i want to just do something, make MY decision, go ahead with it, and experience life. to not be afraid to be REAL, to fall, to not be so scared of marring my facade of pseudo-perfection

oh roars! i feel my brain mass dwindling as the days flit pass, shrinking upon itself into a desolate abject little piece of mangy flesh. i was that desperate for a bit of brain gym that i actually wanted to write a GP essay all over again. just for the small, short, pleasurable moments when i wrack my mind for JUST the right word to express, to encapsulate JUST exactly what i mean. the relief and pride i feel each time i get JUST the word is almost laughable sometimes. TEEHEE

and a tinny voice in my ear tells me there is hope in every heartbeat lalala

:)