i think i've been living in my own little happy bubble for too long. it's as though the more i try to shut out the ugliness of the world, the pain and unhappiness of the countless souls passing through this life, the more i become oblivious to the needs outside my bubble.

like seriously, when's the last time you, or i for that matter, have done something, just for the sake of someone else, even though it SCARED YOU TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF YOUR SOUL to just be bold and do it. i've always been telling myself to pray for others, but when the exams loom, i feel so insignificant offering to pray for them. such cowardice that its almost repulsive.

and you know the busker in the udnerground link? how many times have i just walked past him and KNEW that if only i would just stop to say a little word or two, it'll brighten up my day a million times more than it would make his. how many times have i thought that, but FAILED time and time again to ever venture close?

sometimes the amount of careless words that we may speak is astoundingly frightening. and the friends whom you feel so carefree with, you actually feel so powerless, so timid to break the mould. freidnship, when it realy boils down to it, isn't just the feel goodness of it although yes, it's one of God's nicest gifts :D but it's the really small actions, the word or two that reallyREALLY show you care. it's when no one's looking and the spotlight no longer shines on a little dusty corner where a friend is hiding that you go out of the light and into the darkness and THEN create your own glow.

let the world mock me, let them think i'm weird, let them think it's abnormal for a girl to go against the flow and stop in the middle of an underground passage. but dear Lord, let me be brave, let me be the sunbeam you've always planned for me to be.

Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, to shine for Him each day
in every way try to please Him, at home, at school, at play
a sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam
a sunbeam, a sunbeam,
i'll be a sunbeam for Him

-anne

Watch!
Listen.
It’s all around you,
Waiting patiently with tenderness
To ensnarl you amongst its seductive tendrils
A bolt of thunder
Strikes you down, down down,
Not a sound.
Drowned out by the incessant demands of men.
Drowning in your bland tears.
Bitterness long sunken into your deepest trenches.
Full-stop.
Whose say is it, for you to stop?
If your steps freeze right now,
Is it fool’s stop?
Love flutters by, dancing her swan song
Frolicking under the warm sun
In its little green house.
The storm in the horizon bothers it insignificantly.
For now.
I study it with longing,
Behind this window pane.

they make you, they break you

i can't posssibly remember the last time i have blogged, well judging by the level of 'liveliness' of this blog, one can presume that we are not very avid and keen people. but well, just had this urge to 'vent' out all these things stuck inside, i guess for those of us who have no where else in the 'real' world to reveal what we are feeling, this is the best alternative.

i can't be bothered if you actually know who i am, most probably no one will read this anyway. oh well, here goes. had been having options these past few weeks... feeling up and down like you know this yacht in the middle of the vast expanse of ocean, staring at a rather bleek horizon, and your feelings whelm up inside you, the only way they come out is if you *rather unsightly* puke out everything. is there a saying that words can make you and equally so can they break you? or maybe it was just a figment of my imagination. just suddenly dawned upon me (apologies for being so slow in realising such matters) that friends too can be described as such.

i think today is gg to be my last 3rd lang lesson, had a really fun time with these group of people whom were just strangers with me less than a year ago, but somehow i feel so much at ease with them, it is has if there is actualyl some breathing space for me when i'm with them. i'm not complaining about my school friends or anything, maybe the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder is quite true, or maybe i'm just crapping out some excuse to ignore the real truth inside, which i admittedly have no idea, or have no wish to find out why.

well i apologise for all this blabbering, personally i have no idea what is going through my mind now, i just feel that this is the best way to let this all out. anyway back to what i was driving at, on one hand, there is this rathe disjointed (from schools all over singapore) group of friends i have known for probably a year now, and on the other hand there are some people whom i have known for let's say a couple of years. perhaps i am just being to sensitive, or others would brush off as teenage angst which seems quite ulikely rite, i look like the smiley happy kind... but recently, i apologise AGAIN if this is too trivial a matter and i am just blowing matters out of proportions, but people or person in the 2nd group of friends suddenly feel so distant. have there been times when you looked back, and thought about how close you guys used to be, it seemed as if you knew and well clicked with the person well? and then the next time you see the person, you feel so cut off, you feel even to the extent of disgusted-ness (okay maybe this word is too strong, but i am just 'pouring' out this knot inside) towards that person?

the point is, i feel as if i shdn't be feeling this way, cos everyone sees the person as nice friendly approachable blah blah you know the typically good stuff, and true enough you always thought so. then sometimes it is just that word or two, or perhaps a seemingly insigificant brushing aside of you, or that comment which you felt just smacked at your face (while to others it was a friendly slap on the back), or that feeling the person gives you. i know i know.. girls are overly emotional beings who cannot help but be uptight over such 'lame' 'miniscule' matters, but i can't help it! that is precisely why i don't wish to blow up anything, cos i really dont' want to regret destroying anything in the friendship, well but i know for one thing, i feel differently to that person. and i'm learning to control my feelings, like don't be biased, don't think badly, how you ought to love everyone around you, and maybe i'm just being the one at fault. i dunno lar!

haiyoh, so well, after inviting whoever out there into this super long convoluted thought process of myself, i shall seal all this up once again, until i cannot bear the person or people. after all, people might just tell me after this post, to have friends making you, you should make yourself a friend first. pls tell me straight to the face if i'm not being a nice friend, i know the feeling of it. at most if i disagree with you, you can see more ramblings on this dying blog.

pris